From the archives

more so I don't lose it- this is something I wrote in Feb 2004.

Last night, I was accosted on the train. A skinny, wrinkled, black man with a large personality walked up to me laughing. "You go to Harvard?" I replied that no, I wasn't a student.

"HOOOOOO-weee, what a heated debate!!" he said as he clapped his hands together. "I don't like it when people can't even listen to each other to respect one another's views, ya know?" He touched my arm.

I half smiled and nodded.

"I just want to have a conversation... a discussion, ya know?" Touching my arm again.

Again, smile and nod. Just keep smiling and nodding and Man Who Invades Personal Space will go away. Maybe I'm overly sensitive about personal space, but I live in Boston. We don't talk to strangers here. You don't smile. You don't make eye-contact. And we certainly do not touch each other.

He continued, "At one point Red got up- I call him Red because his face is all, you know..." He waves a circular motion in front of his smiling face. I added, "Red?" I'm so helpful. "Yes, Red. He got up and he's 6'2" and he gets up and just keeps going and going and going and everyone in the room was staring and he said, 'now everyone, just shut up. We all know it's immoral and that's that.'" He laughed and clapped his hands again in what I dare say was glee. I stared at him laughing like he'd just won a battle and I needed to know what we were talking about.

I wanted to say, "that doesn't sound very conversational," but I chose the path of least resistance and feigned interest, "What was the debate about?"

"For or against gay marriage... which of course, I'm against," He looks at me sideways, "now I don't know how you feel about it, but it's immoral." Again he glances at me questioningly.

I knew I was in trouble. I've been cornered by bible-thumpers before. Yeah, yeah, the wrath of the lord... hell and damnation. I understand you think I'm going to hell. I've had friends who were bible-thumpers try to tell me that all I needed was the lord in my life or forgiveness is next to godliness.

"How old are you?..." I gave him my best one eyebrow raise, in hopes of conveying "let's not go there." He stands back and looks at me, "20? 19?"

I wanted to laugh at his pathetic attempt to pay me a complement. Objectively, I suppose that I do have a child-like quality to my features, but I feel as though my life's responsibilities and experience should surely show through on my face with a little more wisdom than a 20 year old Harvard student. But in the eyes of this man, what life experience can not be relieved by prayer?

I kind of laughed and replied, "No, I'm no where near 20, and a lot closer to 30." I wanted to say, "don't you know you're not supposed to ask a lady her age?"

He gave me his best look of disbelief and stood back to give me a good look over. Then he came in close and said, "You pregnant?" As he said these words, he put out his hand and TOUCHED MY STOMACH!!!!

I kind of laughed, brushed his hand away, pulled the front of my jacket together and crossed my arms in front of me. It's time for the boyfriend/ husband/ significant other card.

He comes in real close and says, "how do you feel about gay marriage?" I paused, conflicted. If I tell him how I really feel, he's going to follow me home. If I tell him I feel the way he does, this conversation will end, but I won't be able to sleep.

"To be perfectly honest, I am for gay marriage."

I got the look of shock. "Why?!" With the slightest touch of alarm, he leaned in, "are you homosexual?"

I laughed at the poor man's naivete (he probably thought I was being cute.) I said, "no, I'm not."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

I replied, "No. I have a husband."

He paused, but tried not to let that phase him, "How does your husband feel?"

Poor guy. I really kind of felt sorry for him, desperately looking for my salvation. "He feels the same as I do."

"But why?"

I replied, "If the state stays out of and allows gay marriage, it has no bearing on my life or my own marriage. Another person's marriage will not effect me in any way."

"So you don't think it's immoral?"

I replied, "No I don't, but even if I did, it's none of my business to judge what a gay couple does, especially given that it has no bearing on my rights or my life in any way." I marveled at the fact that I was having this argument with a BLACK man. Has he completely forgotten how many of these "discussions" must have occurred to give him the complete freedom he has now?

"Do you believe in the Almighty?"

"No I don't," I regretfully replied. He stepped back in surprise.

"Everyone's going to be judged. You have a boss and we are all going to have to answer to the big Boss."

"Look," I started, "I live according to my own conscience and the choices I make are considerate. I answer to myself and I hope that if there is an 'Almighty', he understands that this is the best I can do."

He rifled through his bag with some urgency as he spouted some additional holier-than-thou, god-fearing brain-washing at me and eventually procured a pamphlet. "This is deep. Read this and don't throw it out."

At that moment, I wished that I could have the courage to tell him, "no thank you. I will throw it out the moment I get off this train, so you should really save it." But being the compassionate person that I am, I knew he was going to be upset if I didn't take it and truthfully, I wanted him to go home satisfied. So I took it from him, smiled, and nodded. I hope he had a blissfully carefree evening and slept in a world where everything was idealistically his way.